For as long as i can remember, I have always kept journals and for me the best part is reading those journal entries a few years or even months later.
I feel they help me let go, move forward and grow. Picking up the pen and putting your thoughts and feelings to paper always seems to work for me. I would even consider it as being one of the best forms of therapy but without the pricey digits attached to it.
I came across this one specific letter in one of my diaries. It practically fell out at me and i started to read it out aloud...there was a girl next to me who i didn't think was listening. She turned and said to me "I can totally relate to everything you just said"...this made me sad in a way because the letter is about my heart break so knowing that someone else has gone through that pain...i just wouldn't wish that on anybody...
Letter to you:
So here we are again. I just don't know what to say...here you are, back in my life again.
You keep doing this to me. You keep walking in and out of my life when ever it suits you and I'm left to pick up whatever pieces are left behind.
I know one thing...i cant do this anymore. I have shed to many tears over you and spent many sleepless nights asking myself why i am not good enough for you.
I have realised that you never really loved me because the pain you have chosen to put me through is not what love is meant to feel like.
I hope that when you find someone you do love, that she loves you back because i don't wish the same pain i have felt on anyone.
Fight for what you love and for who you love.
I have been lucky enough to experience what true love does feel like.
I'm not going to lie and say i don't think about you from time to time because i do.
Letting go of you has been one of the most difficult things i have ever had to do and i still battle to this day with the idea.
I just cant put myself through this anymore, i cant keep holding onto something that will never be.
I have come to far to take those steps backwards.
I did love you and i wish you had seen it then but for whatever reasons you chose to take a different path and cant do anything other than respect that decision.
I cant give up on my idea of love for a maybe with you and all my relationship with you, was a maybe.
I am happy and even though you will always be apart of me i cant go back to how you made me feel.
You really hurt me and pray you never have to experience that kind of pain.
I truly hope you find what you looking for and when you do, i hope you hold onto it with everything you are xxx
I wrote that letter to my first love...
When i read it now (few years later) it seems that nothing has changed. My heart has been broken and mended a few times since then. So i guess this is the process we have to go through in order to move on and even though the process doesn't really change there are definitely things about each individual process that do make us stronger, wiser or more sensitive and you definitely learn. I now know that its not me thats not good enough. Instead of me blaming myself for a failed relationship, i now understand that it obviously just wasn't meant to be.
I can tell you one thing though and that is, i will never not believe in love no matter how many times it breaks me. To me, the feeling you get from being loved and loving in return, is so worth every bit of pain one goes through when mending a broken heart.
So the moral of this story is WRITE!
You wont regret it. Once those words are on that piece of paper you will feel like a weight has been lifted! You don't even have to keep what you have written.Burning it helps with the releasing of the energy built up around those written words so lets start a mini bonfire or keep journals that start to fall apart and become moth eaten. :)
just promise me this...WRITE xxx
xxx loves xxx
Awesome blog ange!!
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